A Field Guide to Dominicans and Other Terrors

There’s been a lot of chortling over the panicked students of Indiana University who thought a nice Dominican priest was a member of the KKK armed with one of them KKK bullwhips. Here’s one of the tweets:

iu students be careful, there’s someone walking around in kkk gear with a whip.

and the news spread like wildfire from there. Here’s a picture of the Dominican priest in question, as he helps himself to some frozen yogurt. The “whip” was his rosary. He likes to walk around town saying his rosary for the students.

Are you laughing? Not nice. Not nice at all. It’s a confusing world! It’s very difficult for young people to tell the difference between a priest who is praying for you, and a murderous, racist thug who’d just as soon whip you to death as look at you.

I am basically a healer; so I thought I’d put together a little field guide to help today’s youth navigate their way through the thorny maze of multiculturalism where the downside of diversity means we are all scared stupid all the time.

Keep your eyes peeled for these specimens:

[img attachment=”97874″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”orthodox jew” /]

This is a pirate. You can tell by his beard, the distinctive coloration of his clothing, his intimidating stance, and his pirate hat. The strings you see hanging down from his belt are dangling strings of death!!! Take cover, especially your dubloons.


[img attachment=”97875″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”Sisters_of_Charity” /]

A group of Crips, probably Rollin’ 60s, menacingly sporting their distinctive blue. Get within a yard of these bad apples and you’ll be murdered to death or have an illegal substance sold to you. Just say no!

[img attachment=”97876″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”mormons” /]

Here we have a pair of Santería priests. No immediate physical threat, unless you are a chicken, but don’t look them in the eye unless you’re prepared to be taken on a whirlwind trip to Hell itself.

[img attachment=”97878″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”Sahajdhari_Sikh” /]

This is a bumblebee. He will sting you, aieee! Run away!

[img attachment=”97879″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”holy week spain” /]

This is actually Catholic Holy Week in Spain. This one is not a joke.
I know.

[img attachment=”97883″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”friar tuck resize” /]

Here we see the notorious Bosnian assassin Gavrilo Princip who cold-bloodedly shot Archduke Ferdinand and his wife and singlehandedly plunged the civilized world into all-consuming war. Also likes frozen yogurt.

[img attachment=”97881″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”Robert_Pattinson_02 (1)” /]

This is a Jesuit. Call 911.

And, as always: When in doubt, tweet. Oh, tweet on, perishing republic. Tweet on.

Mormons By MTPICHON (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Orthodox Jew By Gilabrand at English Wikipedia, CC BY 3.0,
Missionaries of Charity By User:Fennec (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Sahajdhari Sikh By Sanyam Bahga – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, 
Holy Week in Spain CC BY-SA 2.1 es,
Friar Tuck by Loren Javier via Flickr 



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